my night is officially made.
for those who have a kindle, here is the site for the download :)
http://www.torrentreactor.net/torrents/2757752/The-Perks-of-Being-a-Wallflower-Stephen-Chobsky
Haven’t ran in over a week, banged this out feeling better than ever :)
I know I’m a health blog\fitblr, and I’m supposed to be motivating others and remain optimistic (which I feel like I have been) But I just need to vent to people who understand (hopefully) my frustrations.
I hate. That, if I don’t go to the gym for 3 days, my body looks (or at least, mentally I believe) that I have gained all the weight I’ve lost. Or god forbid I give myself a few days to be “care-free” I feel like I’m a gigantic gorgling giant monster. Looking in the mirror today at the gym I became so frustrated. Every negative thought I usually can suppress came to surface. All I could think about was how it isn’t fair that there are so many people out there who can go to the gym just twice a week…maybe even just twice a month and stay the same weight. But if I stay away for just 3 days my body feels like all muscle has melted into blubber. I quickly told myself I need to stop bringing myself down with things I have no control over. But these past few days I’ve just felt incredibly large and corpulent. One girl I work with, who has the body of a victoria secret model, started telling me a girl gave her adderall to help her stop eating at work (dairy queen). Now she’s saying she wants it all the time to stop eating all together. I wanted to tell her so badly how I abused those at school and it backfires. Wanted so badly to tell her my ex best friend who suffered from anorexia previously abused it and it sent into relapse, but she ended up gaining all the weight back anyway. I wanted so hard to speak, but me 3 times her size, I knew she wouldn’t listen. She’s only 16. The age where my restricting began and I lived off others attempt to help me. I felt helpless trying to subtly tell her I understand. Looking at pictures I’m starting to doubt if I’ve really lost the amount of weight I feel like I have…this is the first time I’ve doubted my hard work.
But, on the plus side, I did 100 squats with a 20 pound kettle bell and arm workouts, and for the first time in what feels like forever, my arms are sore—I can barely move them. Did 45 minutes on elliptical too, but that had me barely breaking a sweat.
Non health related things:
- Have 6 pages left of the last harry potter book, I can’t bring myself to read them because it hurts my heart to think it’ll be over.
- My dad hasn’t talked to me in over a week and I don’t know why
- I’m dreading of thinking of going back to University of Tampa in 2 months. I want to transfer to a community college in NJ for a semester. Ugh.
- I’m excited for pretty little liars tonight :X
This was slightly pointless, but hope everyone else is doing much better than I am.
409 followers?! Where and when did this happen?!?!?!!? Well I’m happy to have a bunch of new friends. I apologize I’ve been mia for about 5 days but work (aka dairyqueen aka HELL) has been taking over my life. And when that isn’t, I’ve been having good, fun times with friends :) I may have been over-endulging, as in drinking more than usual and slacking on working out, but I’m trying my hardest not to beat myself up over it and find that good balance. I’ll get a good night sleep tonight and good workout in tomorrow, I promise!
Til then, I hope everyone else is doing wonderful.
OH! And i’m on the last harry potter book (which has also been robbing me of my sleep)
<3
For as long as I can remember weight affecting who I am, the point where I’m at now is somewhere I never thought was possible. If you were to tell me these things just 6 months ago I’d tell you you are out of your mind.
- I’m not perfect, nor will I ever be. I will not always have “perfect” days of eating and always be in my expected calorie range, but I’ve learned to accept this and this has made my weight loss so much more successful and has kept me sane. In the past, I’d be focused on eating x amount, if I was over just over 100 calories I’d tell myself “No wonder you’re so fucking fat, no wonder you can’t lose weight, you can’t even do this right.” I’d consider\convince myself that I was a failure just because I didn’t eat the “right” amount of calories, when in reality the amount I eat should never have defined my successes (there is sure more to life than that!) Sure you should always expect greatness of out of yourself and never sell yourself short, but expecting to not make mistakes is threatening your sanity and your happiness. I know how it feels to think, “I must eat this amount and exercise this amount if I want to lose weight. There is no other way.” please believe me when I say this is far from the truth. Look out for your genuine happiness first. Look out for yourself first. Do not measure yourself in calories or in numbers, because you are worth so much more than that. “Love yourself first and the rest will follow.”
http://www.amazon.com/Polar-Womens-Heart-Monitor-Bronze/dp/B001U0OFD2/ref=sr_1_1?ie=UTF8&qid=1308453579&sr=8-1
I’ve been lacking in updates, I just have a lot going on. And this is the saddest I’ve been in a really, really, really long time… but i’m hanging in there.
Hope everyone else is doing well.
Last Week’s Weight: 149
Today’s Weight: 145.6
Week Loss: 3.4
:)
